Communication Disease -(Possible Cure Restores Loving Relationships)

 

This may seem counter-intuitive to people who don’t measure their marriage and relationships in decades, my marriage is a tad over four; but at some point the ability to communicate with your spouse starts to decline. It is a general trend and will have variations along the way, but the direction is clear, even if the cause isn’t it.  It is not a general law, to the best of my knowledge Newton stayed clear of this area, but I can confidently speculate it doesn’t have to be this way. The point I would like to submit to you the jury is the fact that it is not true with friends. It may become quickly awkward to talk to a friend you haven’t seen since high school, but that is not a life long friend, that was someone you knew in high school. I am talking about people you have  continued to see and talk to over time. These friends are able to understand what you mean even if you don’t know how to explain it. Whereas a longtime spouse can totally misinterpret your comments even when you know exactly what you’re trying to say. And when you subtly suggest, In fact, it is very clear what your trying to say and have you considered the problem may lie in the part of her brain that processes the sound waves coming in through her ears and that it might be a good idea if she has it check out.

At this point, she normally explains that there is no need. She knows exactly what is wrong and has known for along time now. Her explanation can best be described as a wear and tear theory. According to this theory, I have, over time, wore down her ability to expect cooperation and consideration from me, so the only logical thing to do is to respond irrationally and make communication as difficult as possible, because maybe then, I will want to talk to her. In an effort to be accurate, I was paraphrasing her remarks, it was not a direct quote.  It is important to keep in mind that we are talking about old relationships, this can be a good thing because your spouse’s disappointment in you is expected, so therefore, no cause for alarm; like arthritis,  most of the time the best thing to do is to just grin and bare it. There is no cure, mostly you just avoid things that particularly aggravate it. You know, many of the things you use to think were fun.

So you can imagine my surprise when I thought I found the cure. Like most cures it did have a few side effects, I am talking about the communication disease, sorry arthritis sufferers. Solving the communication problem is no small thing. Just imagine sitting down with your spouse and seeing love in their eyes, she is trying to anticipate your needs, make sense out what your saying and make sure you feel wanted. Pretty amazing uh, ok, now the side effects, they are too long to list so I will sum them up in one word, cancer. Before you jump up and grab the nearest cigarette or other nearby carcinogens; I may have jump the gun. It is beginning to look like the communication disease was only in remission.  I didn’t know;  being a cancer newbie I was hoping this was an unforeseen benefit. I would appreciate any help on the topic from those of you with more experience.It only took one silly mix up about some medical papers for her realize I was still me. The same person I was before, I hadn’t been reborn into a new more lovable version, the only difference, I was diseased. I felt sorry for her, I know she was hoping for something different. It is very difficult to be the spouse of someone with cancer. It always sucks.  When you are not financially equipped  to handle such an occurrence, there is a whole layer of additional problems that can be just as long term and devastating to the ones who depended on you. Given these circumstances or any circumstances the change in our relationship had been nothing short of a miracle. I am not ready to go back to some sort of status quo.Excuse me, I got interrupted by call, it was her, the conversation was pleasant, reasonable and it was good. Perhaps there is hope, wouldn’t it be better for both parties to go through this knowing they are loved and loving in kind. Easy for me to say, I’m the one with cancer.

6 thoughts on “Communication Disease -(Possible Cure Restores Loving Relationships)

  1. I think it is wonderful that you have started this blog. Although I certainly don’t think of you as cancer guy. Still Wade my little brother. Or like I used to call you “Wiley”
    I just bought a book that is being used in a church group. The Four Things That Matter Most by Ira Byock, M. D.
    He has 4 statements to improve relationships and life.
    Please forgive me.
    I forgive you.
    Thank you.
    I love you.

    Like

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