The Big C -Retribution

 

Before I start I want to clear up any misconceptions about the title, I do not think cancer is a curse from God, although it could be an interesting topic of conversation.The word retribution is meant to reflect my case and my case alone. My cancer is more than likely the result of actions with foreseeable consequences. For future reference I will seldom be putting in disclaimers, political correctness is not high on my priority list right now.

Hello,cancer guy here, I call myself that because I had a good friend who didn’t want to be known as cancer guy. The decision of whether to keep it secret was taken away from me. My son was in the office with me when the doctor told me I had a tumor on my epiglottis, that it was cancerous,and was caused by my history of smoking. This is the son you never reveal a Christmas gift to, unless your floating a trial balloon. So one way or the other,the word was going to spread rapidly.So I am going public in a way that is truly bazaar for some one who uses a flip phone and thinks social media means you get an occasional e-mail.

Upon hearing this, I was kind of in a state of maybe not shock, but at the very least, sorry Doc,could you run that by me one more time. I have known several people with cancer,some have died tragic deaths,even those who survived would not describe the experience as a walk in the park. Those people were all victims, I am the perpetrator of my own disaster,and what about it’s affect on people who depend on me.So maybe I am selfish, luckily I grew up Lutheran,we founded that whole saved by grace thing.  I do not try to divert the responsibility of my actions on the tobacco companies. I did not smoke because I saw an ad on TV that made it look cool, it didn’t. I really, really liked to smoke.It is true,that I do not feel as guilty as many would like and do not feel relieved that my bad actions are being punished.   I’m not a big fan of purgatory, I want the best possible outcome.That is not completely true, I want to wake up and find I have been in some kind of Dickens’s like slumber.

When you write, it is best if you know what you want to say, good thing I am not a writer;I am a delivery driver. I have made numerous bad decisions in my life and now me and those I love will pay the price. It seems it is true that the sins of the father are visited upon the son or children because it is not gender specific. It varies, sometimes I am more afraid of death and other times survival. I still have not mastered the talent of true altruism.I don’t want to be cancer guy, I don’t want to have cancer, I can’t afford it. Let me go back to being the only person that don’t text and thinks a phone is something you talk on. If you don’t mind,I would prefer to be called flip phone guy or dinosaur; but that was my old identity, my children always tell me I need to learn to embrace change, sometimes it is cruel master, even if deserved.  Now that I have confessed my quilt,I see no reason to dwell on it.

So come join me when you can on this misadventure, I will laugh when I can and hide my tears when I must. Hopefully we will discuss issues that affect us all, from a slightly different perspective. I say goodbye for now and will continue this conversation later,if anybody is interested, probably even if their not.

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