I went to bed last night without the sounds of the crickets or the hoot of our resident owl, instead their was a gentle hum of a cpap machine. It belongs to my brother in-law who gave up a golf trip to accompany me on my holiday of exploration. He is retired now and I am assured that he has the time. Golf is not just game, it has saved him from his retirement, it has provided the motivation to engage. This engagement is not limited only to the sport, but to in life in general. It was a sacrifice for him to give it up.
I can not dwell on his kindness because at this moment, it only serves to make me feel more diminished. I do not ask myself how I am I doing, sometimes however, I ask, ‘were am I at in this process’. To accurately answer this question, one needs to honestly look for and find the location of two poles; despair and hope. It is not as simple as it appears my friends because when you look at despair it must be much distinguish from the acceptance of facts, but then again, do you, really? In addition, the line between self-delusion and hope is not always clear on a foggy day. Despair is closer this morning than it as been. I am at Mayo’s, and provided the PET scan turns out good, what was inoperable is operable, why? simple put, because they are Mayo’s. To say it is different kind of hospital would not explain anything. My son, Will, when they got home from dinner last night, said, ‘it is more than a hospital, it is the town center and everyone and every business respects it’s people and patients. It is like the whole town was created for one purpose, for sick people to get better. Then he smiled at me and said, it is not heaven, not everyone gets better; some die and some don’t die, but don’t really get better’. Will has cerebral palsy, he knows a little bit about getting just a little better.
When I write these post things, they are about me. I have failed if they are only about me. I want them to touch on themes we all face. This is about hope and it’s counterpart despair. What does each truly mean mean. Is there a time for every season, and if so, when is it. If you are somewhat confused then join the club. Perhaps I have descended into meaningless gibberish. I have returned , I have crawled back to surface where life exists on a normal plane. On this level of existence, I will say things like, yes it looks very promising, there may be some difficult moments. Eating will be very problematic and there will be an ongoing threat of aspiration, but with lots of therapy and hard work with the exercise program, I might be able to eat something at some time in the future, sometimes. You know, feeding tubes aren’t that bad, I hear you get use to them.That my readers is if everything goes well. Let’s stay hopeful.
It a few hours I will go for my pet scan, if it turns out bad then all bets are off, in the doctors words, there will be no reason for the operation, we’ll come up with some treatment, but we will no longer be looking at a cure. He seems reasonably sure it will come back good. As for my desires, the stronger pull is that it will turn out as predicted, but there is part of me that would sigh with relief if it came back bad. Say good-bye to the doctors and just do what I can for as long as I can and call it a day. I don’t know, is that despair or just weakness, maybe it is something else entirely. I am not sure, is it possible just different ways of looking at good and bad.
This is what I think, as long as there is life there is hope, the more important question is, hope for what? Sometimes life can give you more than you can ever imagine and sometimes a lot less. Mostly it will give a little more in some places and a little less in others. Remember this, life without hope is questionable at best; so look for it. Often, we can’t see it till it is taken away.
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