The hounds of cancer are howling beneath the supermoon, calling my name. The riders of pain and fatigue following close on their heels hoping to trap me in their net of fear. There is a disconcerting tightening in the throat, while imagined sagebrush blows through the lonely streets of the mind. There will come a time when I lose my way, fatigue blocking the morning light and pains grip doesn’t loosen. When I can no longer make the doctors laugh. But in the words of Strider, “It is not this day”. Today I stand and fight with humour and courage that my family and friends let me borrow. I float on a cloud of love and best wishes that keep me above the biting teeth below. Strength that I lack has been freely given. Thankyou
I woke up this morning and the sun was shining on me and all those around me. There were some I noticed some that didn’t feel the warming rays. Inside my current walls of cancer called Hope Lodge, fear and despair is consumed by the act of living. At least here, background and differences are washed away by what we share. I am on the road this morning, the real road, it is the way home, the way back,which at times seems a life time a go. But I am not going home,I am going to meet my children and dog. We are going to shoot some shots of the Covered Bridges of Madison County. Perhaps it is age, perhaps the disease or maybe the treatments, something brings water to my eyes, it is OK, I am almost not embarrassed, but not quite. It seems even a lonely soul needs cover, from my family, my friends, my dog, and maybe a covered bridge in Iowa. Pictures to come.
There comes a time in all journeys when a person needs to take a moment to access, reevaluate, or maybe just clarify. That is where I find myself. It has been brought to my attention that I am not a writer and lack the skill and discipline the craft requires. I would not, nor do I argue with this assessment. So what am I ? and what am I trying to do? I am a delivery driver, I spend a lot of time by myself, I prefer natural landscapes to cities, I will choose a friend over a party every time. What I am I trying to do is not so easy to explain on one hand and very clear on the other. I can not honestly tell you why someone like me would choose to expose himself, especially on social media, which he had always avoided with a great deal of success. I would like to think it is because it might help someone going through a problem of their own and give a voice to my thoughts. Perhaps, this is true or maybe on some level I am motivated by fear and this is my confessional. Whatever, that is not the topic for today.
Today, I want to tell anyone kind enough to read what I am attempting to do with this blog. You have no idea how hard it is for me to call it a blog, although if you just listen to the sound of the word, it is a good representation of my writing style. From this point on, my blog will consist of two type of posts; my regular unedited, mistake riddle posts and on occasion feature articles, where I go into more depth with help of an editor and produce a much more polish piece. My regular posts are not meant to be literary compositions, but conversations. My talent lies more in the realm of heart to heart. I have heard people use the phrase I want to start a dialogue, but seldom thought they understood the concept. A conversation is like a dance in many ways, in a conversation you suspend judgement not morals, your first effort is to understand, it has a rhythm and movement that goes beyond the technical skill of the dancers and when you can anticipate your partner’s next move with only a look, there is a connection that goes beyond words, semicolons or periods. At least, I hope so, since I don’t know how to use any of that stuff. I will attempt to do a better job of proofreading, although the treatments and medications do not help this endeavor.
Other times I will try to produce a much more polished piece, I really would like to get better at this. Hopefully, this combination will provide not only a meaningful outlet for me and a way to improve, but will be enjoyable for those who read. I have a really bad headache so I think I will take some more of their drugs. Good-bye for now thanks
This may be close to something I never wanted my posts to be, a medical update. So if it strikes you as that and nothing more, it is probably a fair criticism and apologize in advance. It may sound counter-intuitive and maybe even hypocritical for someone whose site is called cancerguy, to suggest that he wants his posts to be first and foremost be about stories not medical updates; but that is my goal. If it is only about me I have failed miserably. When I speak of cancer I hope I most often convey the big C cancer, not the little me cancer. I want my posts to at least sometimes contain an idea or concept that makes you think. I also want my posts to use the vehicle of humor to carry the message, there are times when I want to touch the heart through empathy and on occasion sorrow and even desperation, but never pity. Not for me or the people I portray.
I am roughly at the halfway point of my treatments, not the ordeal which will go on for a period of time afterwards. Whether this was the reason or because of concern over a combination of side effects I have been having I am not sure, maybe both. I was in the end able to convince them that while I have on occasion had trouble using the wrong word, I do often find the right word quite well, thank you. Having dispense of this concern, the rest of the meeting went unexpectedly good. The Great and powerful Dr. Foot (my head doctor, who just happens to run the dept.) was there. I mean really people, why me, why should I get one of the best period? Everyone I have talked to has said the same thing, we won’t know anything tell three months after all the procedures. So I was bit more than surprised when he stuck his little probe down through my nose tell I gaged and said Yes, I been looking at the scans and your tumor is really shrinking and epiglottis looks almost normal and I would say there is a good chance it hasn’t spread. I am really impressed. I said, “I plan on being your first patient with throat cancer you have to put on a diet.” He smiled, which for him was paramount to a laugh; and said, ‘the tough times are still in front of you, that won’t happen”. I said, “at the start with we’re talking about the possibility of epiglottis shriveling up to nothing.” “He said, “and now we are talking about it looking almost normal.”
This is what I think, I think I might just come out of this thing and it will be because a good friend steered me to Mayo, my sister, brother, daughter and wife all have step up to help guide me through the process and everyone who took the time read something I wrote, especially those who commented, I think that maybe your good thoughts and prayers is how I got the best to be my doctor, the lord works in varied and mysterious ways. I know that I personally draw strength and purpose from your interest.To all of you who have given so much to me, I promise you I will do my best to approach what comes with humor, humility and when possible be strong for those around me. So I don’t consider this a medical update as much as a shout out. Thank you wade