This is a story about the stories. There are stories people tell us about us and people like us. They tell us these stories in many different ways, by what they say, by where they go and what they buy, sometimes it’s more about what we can’t buy and where we can’t go. It can be a look that gives us a window into what they’re thinking. Although, we really don’t know what they are thinking. Sometimes it all about what we think they are thinking. These stories are important, but not crucial. The stories I want to talk about is the ones we tell ourselves. Stories tend to change with age, but the importance and even fundamentals change less than we might think. My observation about aging is that people become more of whatever their dominant trait was. If this is true the most repeated or at least, most comfortable story we tell ourselves becomes exaggerated. Comfortable is an interesting word choice. It indicates it’s easier to think negative than positive for some people, some of the time.When I am unhappy about my situation I tell myself it is too late and I have blown it. At my age there are few options, limited energy and a time factor. These are very real obstacles and are in large part due to my age. Although the young may not share my limiting factors; it appears they tell themselves the same bottom line. If my memories are accurate and judging by my observations of current teenagers, they share this reaction to life’s failures and rejections. It seems they perceive life as they have previously known it is over and the outlook for the future is bleak.Some stories are ageless. The young are better equipped to recover and dart off again and it is a little harder for those with more experience. There are elements of time that become more similar to the young has we age. Our horizons are shorter and the nights are longer. On the front end you have yet to experience enough time to see past the immediate future and on the back end there is not enough productive time left you can count on. This is my take, each day is precious and if it sucks remember this too shall pass. Listen to the stories you tell yourself. If they don’t lead to a brighter day stop them. They will come back, but the more you listen the quicker you can stop them. When you do I don’t suggest you replace them with how great you are, instead, practice telling yourself stories of love, faith, and hope. Then reflect these thoughts in your actions.
- It is my daughter’s birthday today so I texted her a message. A year ago, on her last birthday, I had never sent a text. I could receive them but that was a rare. That’s pretty much the way it was with the best word love. I strongly feel that it’s presence was demonstrated, but not by speech or touch. Sometimes old men can change. When you have faced mortality you begin to question not just what you have said, but what you haven’t. Love requires both affect and action; action is shown in all the things we do and have done. Affect is invisible, kept it the heart, I would suggest that you communicate your love with words ands my daughter’s birthday today so I text her a message. A year ago on her last birthday I had never sent a text. I could receive them but very seldom and I never sent text. That’s pretty much the way it was with the word word love. I strongly feel that it’s presence was demonstrated, but not by word or touch. When you have faced mortality you begin to question not just what you have said, but what you haven’t. Love requires both affect and action, action is shown in all the things we do and have done. Affect is invisible, kept it the heart, I would suggest that use you words and touch to prove it’s existence. Be careful someone could roll their eyes.
- My pastor and best friend told me to be honest. That is what I am best at. My question is what should I do if I think I am going to live. What if I don’t know what do do. My children have refined many of my understandings. That doesn’t mean that there is isn’t a core right and wrong. I refuse to believe I am without foundational beliefs. I will live believing that there are things that separate people. I have accepted so many things that were outside my paradigm, but that doesn’t mean anything goes. When you lie to me, please know I remember. I don’t regret the times I didn’t take advantage but the times I did. My child lied and has been, I was their teacher and parent. I failed, I will die without knowing success. Maybe someday they’ll understand. I measure people in the currency of honor. I am without worldly success, I will not submit to you I will cry out even if my voice is unworthy and unheard.
Regrets, I am at the stage in life when I start pondering regrets. Really, I don’t think so, I guess I really mean I do think so , I’m just saying I have had regrets for a good portion of my life. The thought comes to mind, not when I was young, OK, I mean I really young, infant maybe. I wonder how old I was the first time I realized I shouldn’t thrown that in their face. Some of my first recollections are of thinking I wish I wouldn’t of said or done that. Fortunately, most people are not like me. I am not a particularly good person. Speaking of regrets, my computer crashed, So I got my child’s old lap that I used in Mayo. I can’t get it to let me in. It says I don’t know the password. On the bright side before long I might not remember anything. That could solve the whole regretting issue. Therefore I am writing this without seeing what I am typing. I have the app on my phone and I bought a 20$ keyboard which enables to type or read, but I lack the eyesight and skill to try and do both at the same time. Being I am prone to all kinds of mistakes which anyone who knows me, knows; editing will be interesting. Don’t get excited I am not talking about something new, I am just referring to the hap hazard proofreading I always kind of do. It does seem a little magically, I type and look on my phone and words are there. Wonder if my life would have been different if people, well teachers, could have read what I wrote. Is that a regret, nay. You see on the topic of regretting I have a different point of view. I try to either avoid or forget. I find simple phrases are the easiest to remember. I am finding out I can type and read the words on my phone at the same time. It hurts my eyes and my neck so I choose not to. That what I am talking about with regret, I choose not to. I was listening to either Fresh Air or This American Life and a guy was talking about how he left both his parents in the hospital when they were dying He left his mom because she was mean and the only way they could get along was from a far. He left his dad because he left him when he was young. It must have been Fresh Air because Teri asked him if he was Ok with that decision and I thought his answer was great, “Yes, but I anticipate growing regret.” That is what I want to avoid; doing things that will cause growing regret. I am talking in the present and future tense, while my writing may not show it I am familiar with these terms. To all the people I have wronged in the past I am truly sorry. I put the word truly in so you would know I am not just saying it to be nice, although I seldom get accused of that. In short, people I have wronged, get over it, I have. It will be best for everyone if we just move on thinking I am OK. So my advice to everyone is to just move on thinking your OK.
Hello it’s me, can you help?
I want to know, but then again do I?
To think or not to think, that is the question.
Is it nobler to ignore this rock hanging over my head?
Many bosses, many answers, all fall short of my true interest.
Hey God, why do you remain silent? Am just not listening?
I wonder if the waiting is worse?
If you are waiting with me please remember my dignity.
It is even more important now.
I don’t need to feel more helpless,
I need a friend more than an advisor.
If I have a question I will ask.
Mostly I wait on Gods answer.
It tends to come in a small voice and gives meaning to the verdict.
Hey God I am waiting.
For a friend who waits for a biopsy.