What now Grey Seal? asked the Survivor.

I am a cancer survivor. I know because I have a hat and tee shirt that says so. Actually, the shirt says, me 1, cancer 0. The hat says, “My to do List: beat cancer, conquer the world,” cancer is checked, conquer the world is not. It will remain unchecked. I have no desire to conquer, only make my little space a tad better. It has been less than a year since my last treatment so It might be a little early to call the game. I still fight fatigue and other effects that stem from the treatment more than the disease. I don’t feel like a winner, I feel like a survivor. Most days I have a new appreciation for life. My lack of wealth and status seem like such a small thing now. Overall, it is easier to be happy. I worry less about the things I can’t give my kids and more about what I can. I love my wife again and I think, just maybe, she loves me. Other times I want to, sometimes I do cry for the people who didn’t make it and the ones I know who suffer now. My perception has changed and I have a clearer understanding. Certain words are no longer concepts, but have a reality, a presence. These words have many faces. While, they may take different forms; they evoke similar responses in those they have an intimate relationship with. Words such as fear, death, suffering, mercy and maybe God?  Like many, if not most survivors I feel a need. This need is new only in its intensity and quality, not in its existence. It is driven not only by the words mention, but through the awareness that life is lived in the moment and those moments are limited At first, I wondered why me? But that is a dead-end street. The question is, “What now Grey Seal? I think this question is what fueled the greatest generation and can even help a guy like me find meaning in the life I have left. I have an ear and I will listen, maybe that is why I am here. 

4 thoughts on “What now Grey Seal? asked the Survivor.

  1. Glad you wrote again, I was wondering about you. I just had my CT scans done yesterday, will read results on tues… we hope for the best, and conquer the worst. We can do it. Get the bucket list made…tks for sharing..

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  2. Sometimes I am so unaware. I missed your comment on my Grey Seal post. I am truly sorry. I hope so much that your CT scans were good. You seem to have beneficial attitude about it. If you get a chance I would like to know how you’re doing. Thank you so much for your comment. Wade

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