It’s not , just Feels Serious this Time

                                                                                                                                                                   I have been sick, probably not serious, but it feels different. Different,  meaning not normal, but not unknown. There is pain in the form of body aches. Body aches means what you focus on hurts. This however is a small thing and I would not spend time expressing its existence. No, what has capture my attention is sometimes described as extreme fatigue. It comes with a weakness that creates a feeling of helplessness, and at that moment, we are the wounded animal looking for a dark secluded place to hold up. Being different in mental make-up our anxiety and fear is not so easily or quickly comforted. It seems our ability to predict the future, understand cause and effect, has it drawbacks. Our oppression is not limited to the moment, we fear what is ahead and the waves of understanding grow and the future ends threatens to drown the present. Like all waves of a different nature, they grow more familiar as time passes and the intensity decreases. Unless, of course they continue to increase and the only comfort resides in the final ending of this stage.  I am lucky, I am already a little stronger than yesterday, but when will I know the strength of the yesterdays of even a decade ago or when will the next shoe drop for me. So many friends in trouble, so much pain. There is a point we reach or maybe it is just me, when we begin a disassociation with our body. They are not sticking that into me, just a body part, how interesting. When this dissociation process is well under away, things remain endurable. Beyond words, our understanding of the ghost in the machine, in our body, expands. I didn’t believe that smile would come back. That smiles that says it is me the ghost that will define me; not my body, not my past successes and failures; not the opportunities missed. I leave judgement to God and forgive myself and others for past transgressions. Those many regrets, once acknowledged turn to ether and dissipate. For now, I will rage against the darkness and know there will be a time to go gently into the goodnight. I have slept twice since I started, with returning strength comes a sort of amnesia. Tomorrow will be better, by next year,maybe sooner,  I’ll be back into my old self; unification complete. Or So I”ll think ,once again a broken part of the material world.