It’s not , just Feels Serious this Time

                                                                                                                                                                   I have been sick, probably not serious, but it feels different. Different,  meaning not normal, but not unknown. There is pain in the form of body aches. Body aches means what you focus on hurts. This however is a small thing and I would not spend time expressing its existence. No, what has capture my attention is sometimes described as extreme fatigue. It comes with a weakness that creates a feeling of helplessness, and at that moment, we are the wounded animal looking for a dark secluded place to hold up. Being different in mental make-up our anxiety and fear is not so easily or quickly comforted. It seems our ability to predict the future, understand cause and effect, has it drawbacks. Our oppression is not limited to the moment, we fear what is ahead and the waves of understanding grow and the future ends threatens to drown the present. Like all waves of a different nature, they grow more familiar as time passes and the intensity decreases. Unless, of course they continue to increase and the only comfort resides in the final ending of this stage.  I am lucky, I am already a little stronger than yesterday, but when will I know the strength of the yesterdays of even a decade ago or when will the next shoe drop for me. So many friends in trouble, so much pain. There is a point we reach or maybe it is just me, when we begin a disassociation with our body. They are not sticking that into me, just a body part, how interesting. When this dissociation process is well under away, things remain endurable. Beyond words, our understanding of the ghost in the machine, in our body, expands. I didn’t believe that smile would come back. That smiles that says it is me the ghost that will define me; not my body, not my past successes and failures; not the opportunities missed. I leave judgement to God and forgive myself and others for past transgressions. Those many regrets, once acknowledged turn to ether and dissipate. For now, I will rage against the darkness and know there will be a time to go gently into the goodnight. I have slept twice since I started, with returning strength comes a sort of amnesia. Tomorrow will be better, by next year,maybe sooner,  I’ll be back into my old self; unification complete. Or So I”ll think ,once again a broken part of the material world.

4 thoughts on “It’s not , just Feels Serious this Time

  1. Wade, I ran into this song while finishing a movie and I thought you might appreciate these words of poetry.
    To Leave Something Behind
    Sean Rowe
    LYRICS
    I cannot say that I know you well
    But you can’t lie to me with all these books that you sell
    I’m not trying to follow you to the end of the world
    I’m just trying to leave something behind
    Words have come from men and mouse
    But I can’t help thinking that I’ve heard the wrong crowd
    When all the water is gone my job will be too
    And I’m trying to leave something behind
    Oh money is free but love costs more than our bread
    And the ceiling is hard to reach
    Oh the future ahead is broken and red
    But I’m trying to leave something behind
    This whole world is a foreign land
    We swallow the moon but we don’t know our own hand
    We’re running with the case but we ain’t got the gold
    Yet we’re trying to leave something behind
    My friends I believe we are at the wrong fight
    And I cannot read what I did not write
    I’ve been to His house, but the master is gone
    But I’d like to leave something behind
    There is a beast who has taken my blame
    You can put me to bed but you can’t feel my pain
    When the machine has taken the soul from the man
    It’s time to leave something behind
    Oh money is free but love costs more than our bread
    And the ceiling is hard to reach
    Oh the future ahead is already dead
    And I’m trying to leave something behind
    I got this feeling that I’m still at the shore
    And pockets don’t know what it means to be poor
    I can get through the wall if you give me a door
    So I can leave something behind
    Oh wisdom is lost in the trees somewhere
    You’re not going to find it in some mental gray hair
    It’s locked up from those who hurry ahead
    And it’s time to leave something behind
    Oh money is free but love costs more than our bread
    And the ceiling is hard to reach
    When my son is a man he will know what I meant
    I was just trying to leave something behind
    I was just trying to leave something behind
    Songwriters: Sean Rowe
    To Leave Something Behind lyrics © Mothership Music Publishing

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s